The 12 most prominent things I've learned and experienced while living with a pregnant woman (so far):

#1 To forget logic, forget reason, forget everything....because it's all my fault.

Example:
Her: It's all your fault.
Me: What's my fault?
Her: Everything.
Me: So....the high petrol prices. That's my fault?
Her: Yep.
Me: The war in Iraq. That too?
Her: That's right.
Me: How about whaling?
Her: Your fault.
Me: But I like whales.
Her: Still your fault.
Me: I....see.

#2 Morning sickness doesn't necessarily mean she'll only be throwing up in the morning. It can strike at any old tick of the clock....even in the middle of the night. Do not get in her way.

#3 If you're a guy you'll know there are few things more frightening that a woman with a credit card. But the one thing guaranteed to strike terror into your heart is a woman with a credit card and a legitimate reason to use it. This is called 'maternity shopping'. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Chernobyl has nothing on what happens to your plastic.

#4 At the beginning of the pregnancy, she will be either throwing up or complaining how much her rapidly expanding breasts hurt. It is not a good time to ask for a feel.

#5 When you hear your baby's heart beating for the first time, you do freak out a little bit. A wet, thumping techno beat of WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH will shatter you....but in a good way. There's something in there, it's alive, and from the bpm it's having a party. You're invited.

#6 To expect a lot of advice, mostly from complete strangers.

#7 "You can forget about that Harley Davidson motorcycle you've always wanted, at least until you're middle-aged and bald." Her words, exactly. -sigh-

#8 There's no such thing as a woman who loves being pregnant. It's a myth perpetuated by women to trick guys into impregnating them.

#9 Saying "you're not fat, you're pregnant" will not cheer her up.

#10 People assume it's their inalienable human right to paw at and grope her swollen belly, and she'll suffer through endless intelligent comments like "Oooooh you're so big!" or "you're so much bigger than I was at 5 months!" or "sure you haven't got twins in there!?" If only I had the guts to say what's on my mind, and that's 'yeah, she's pregnant, but you're ugly. And in a few months, she won't be pregnant.'

#11 Your mates who've already had kiddies will start warning you endlessly about pre-natal classes, which make you watch videos of ugly people having incredibly messy births. Over and over. Apparently.

#12 Don't wake her up before 7 am....actually it's more like 11 now.

You did the deed,
you split the seed,
so your partner has need,
to make you bleed.

And I'm going to learn a great deal more aren't I?

~J xo

One thing that I have noticed recently is that phone manners have gone out the window. So here's my quick guide to telephone manners for the new century. They’re particularly relating to mobiles/cells because everyone has one and they're the worst offenders.. They’ll win you respect from your peers and joy from those around you. This isn't a lecture or anything like that. More of an excuse to rant and vent my annoyance, OK? Right.

1: Mobile phones ring, and then offer you a choice. Answer? Yes or No? Well, if you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone, always ask if you mind taking the call. It’s the equivalent of just ignoring what the person in front of you is saying and talking straight to someone else. If they don’t mind, make the call quick and get off the line to call back later. You don't always HAVE to answer your mobile. Always show respect to where you are before you hit ANSWER. If you're at dinner, in the movies, at the doctors, a funeral or wedding, perhaps walk outside to take the call. No one wants to hear you yak on to someone loudly in a public place, and no one wants to be blanked for a phone call.

2: The text message will still be there in three minutes. If we're speaking, and your phone beeps, just wait until there's a break in conversation before checking your phone. Don't text someone when you're being talked to, and don't check your phone in the middle of a conversation. The person standing in front of you always has priority.

3: Any more than a three text exchange on a subject needs a phone call. Go on. Stop thumbing your phone with 'so r u gna b upstairs or down???' Just call them!

4: When calling someone you've not spoken to before, introduce yourself before asking who it is. Getting this one - ring ring "Hello? Is that Steve?" sucks. Try it this way - ring ring "Hello? Hi this is James - is that Steve?" You know what I mean? You feel less interrogated when people introduce themselves. It's only manners.

5: Get a decent ringtone. Factory preset ringtones are boring as batshit. (I've got Pharrell and Snoop's 'beautiful' at the moment - it's ace.) I know I am coming across a little fuddy here, but manners are the best thing in the world. They cost nothing, anyone can own them, and they are truly the most valuable thing that anyone can possess.. Oh yeah and the chicks (and their mums) love it.

Also here's a quick analogy about long term and short term relationships that a dear friend told me the other day: Finding a boyfriend or girlfriend is kind of like a day at Dreamworld. How? You've got to go on all the rides before you find the one that you want to stay on all day. There's going to be rides that you go on two or three times before you figure out they're not for you, some will be too boring, others will make you sick, some may even be far too scary to even try, but just make sure you buckle up that safety harness before you do anything and you'll be fine. Happy winter (or summer, depending where you are) of love! Woo!

~J xo

In the words of William S. Burroughs, what are your "Words of advice for young people"?

Here’s two brilliant ones that I got from Bob LaPointe, the man responsible for KFC, Pizza Hut, and Lone Star Steak House in Australia.
Heck of a businessman, a man who’s very successful and calm like a still forest pool.

I asked him the other day, what are his top five, and he shared two with me.

1: Never waste energy worrying about things that you can't control.

2: Don’t procrastinate and avoid starting something because of problems you are afraid will happen. Start anyway, and the problems that you do encounter are always smaller than the ones you were imagining. Get on the field, play the game.

He wouldn’t tell me the other three, but I guess he may one day.

One from my Father (translated from the original Czech saying) that I live by always, "Be sure to make friends with the steps on the ladder. You will need them to come back down."

Sure hope he'll be OK.

Seriously thinking about taking Brumby's advice and buying a subscription. How obnoxious are these ads? Rar. >.>

Cheers,
J xo

I’ve got balls, you’ve got balls, yes even you with lady balls.
Travis Pastrana has B A L L S.
Either that or rocks in his head.

Seriously, you’ve goddabefugginkiddinme: [link]

Would you do it?

~J xo

I'm gonna be a daddy!

I'll let =SilverBrumby explain in more detail because I know she's planning on it and I don't want to ruin her fun, but she and bub are both doing very well, though having a little bit of time out from the internet at the moment. Please respect that.

She'll be back online and uploading her wonderful art again soon.

Apologies for the short entry and lack of activity, but as you should understand, we're both very busy at the moment.

Got to go. She needs cheesecake.... and we don't have any. Looks like I'll be up until midnight cooking again.

Best wishes,

~J xx